THIS IS RELATIVITY. KINDA.

The Lord Giveth:

(awesome free box sneakers)

And the Lord Taketh Away:

(awesome crushed sunglasses)

Moral:

Never pay more than ten dollars for sunglasses, and you'll never have to pay for sneakers. But the glasses will be crushed at the bottom of your bag. Sucker.

THIS IS COMEDY. KINDA.

This is funny cause it's true.


www.toothpastefordinner.com

THIS IS POPPER MUSIC.

If you're in the mood for something a little more current and less silly, check out this folkster's wet dream. Courtesy of my big sister, a girl of taste and class whose cultural impulses I must hopelessly ape until the day I die.



Tonight I will lurk outside my local hipster natural habitat, waiting to make a hopefully flannel-wearing wolf my boyfriend. He will dance with me in the woods and then take me to live on a farm where we will live forever in moral and sexual bliss.

Speaking of which, here is a joke:
Q: Why is it so hard to meet boys in coffee shops?
A: They are not bars.

THIS IS POP MUSIC.

Lyrically inane. Made for TV bands. Cultural bankruptcy has always been where it's at, kids. I dare you not to like this.



Great pop songs should make you feel happy and choked up at the same time, like your first crush just punched you in the stomach and you're trying not to cry but you don't care because they're so darn cute.

THIS IS ANOTHER TOP TEN LIST.

Top Ten Reasons Cutting Your Own Hair Is a Great Life Choice.

1. Free.
2. No small talk with the hairdresser.
3. All the fun of a nervous breakdown, none of the hospitalization.
4. "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones." -Dwight Schrute.
5. Free.
6. You can move one step closer to becoming Deb from Empire Records, a worthy life goal. Just aim for fewer suicidal tendencies.
7. People will be impressed by your mastery of a professional skill and want to sleep with you.
8. In the impending socialist revolution, you have a greater chance of being spared by the proletariat.
9. It is free.
10. It makes all your other problems seem insignificant.

THIS IS ANOTHER CHALLENGE.

Here is another challenge. For my intro to African literatures class, our professor suggested we learn where all the countries in Africa are located. Try it.

For an extra challenge, uncheck the "by region" function. This game is actually strangely addicting. And after, you get to bask in a warm cloud of superiority. Have fun geo-champs!

THIS IS A PRIZE.

My sister Laura has been on a campaign to rouse me from existential despair by designing fun missions for me, sent via text message. Here is the first. I walked around campus and gathered flowery things. I had my coffee and my music. The sun was absolutely perfect and it was very cold.

Now, I don't want to go all maudlin on your ass, but when I was walking around, I realized that I hadn't just gone out in the world and really noticed my surroundings in a long time. I was happy in the sun and wind and shadows, among the growing and dead and beautiful things. The transcendentalists were on to something. Nature with a capital N, telling you, this is your invitation. This is what's being offered, in your one and only life.

"This is so going on my blog!" I thought. And I was reminded of the dealio of life. Watch the first 38 seconds.

Ok, I also stepped in some goose crap, and saw some plastic bags and construction, and got a few evil glares for struggling to pull huge branches off of trees, and spilled coffee all over my mittens. So that's life too.

THIS IS A WINNER.

special post in honor of laura coming soon.

Now the bricks lay on Grand Street

Where the neon madmen climb

They all fall there so perfectly,

It all seems so well timed.

And here I sit so patiently

Waiting to find out what price

You have to pay to get out of

Going through all these things twice

-Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again, Bob Dylan

THIS IS A CHALLENGE.

Challenge: To what does the title of this blog allude? The first person to get it right, WITHOUT USING A SEARCH ENGINE, gets a post in their honor.

THIS IS A FIRE SALE.

Well, let's give it a shot.

THIS IS A TOP TEN LIST.

Top Ten Reasons This Blog May Interest You.

If you:

1. Have spent any amount of time, in the past or present, producing skits or musical numbers with your siblings to be presented at family gatherings.

2. Have lost sleep pondering such questions as, why does Springsteen insist he is saying lit up like a deuce when he is clearly saying douche?

3. Don't understand daylight's saving time, combustion engines, or the federal tax system.

4. Have experienced existential despair.

5. Agree that ez-pass and iced coffee are the greatest inventions of the 21st century.

6. Hold an intense, embittered hatred for organized sports.

7. Have a finely developed sense of irony and a disdain for hokey sayings.

8. Find the fact that the gynecologist at my all-women's college is named Sally Heiman to be the pinnacle of what real life can offer as comedy.

9. Are nostalgic for a decade you didn’t live through.

10. Are my close friend or relative or otherwise obligated to tolerate me.

THIS IS A POST.

This is a blog. Can we call it something else? I am trying to be mature these days, and blog sounds like a newfangled game of tag, or the name of a pirate drink. (those are actually blob, and glog, respectively.)

Since this will be read by at most three people (Mom, I'm talking to you) I think it's only fair to tell you that the jokes will be stolen, the insights flippant, the stories fabricated, and the grammar shaky.

Riddles, puns, trivia, and daily challenges will play a large role. It will rely heavily on physical comedy and Dylan lyrics. Many posts will consist of me making fun of the kids in my creative writing class. So I hope you like jokes about trilingual genre fiction. I know I do!

In the interest of full disclosure, let it be known that in the past I have mocked blogs as masturbatory exercises for people too boring or lazy to be out living their lives. Well, masturbatory and lazy this blog may be, but by god it won't be boring. Welcome.