All These Things Twice

THIS IS YOUR INNER CHILD. DRESSING YOU.

2010-02-15T10:45:00.005-05:00

This is what my ten-year old self wants to wear every gloomy February day, and sometimes my misanthropic day-after Valentine's sugar crash twenty-two-year-old self indulges that desire.

I think every February 15th should be Misanthropic Inner Child Fashion day. Break out the patterns, dresses over skirts, and the cute sneaks, and roll your eyes at people's cheesy facebook profiles. It's what St. Valentine really wants.

THIS IS DIVINE INTERVENTION.

2010-02-09T20:52:00.002-05:00

I was feeling down, and then this song came on pandora. And I didn't feel so bad anymore.

Chorus goes:

Hold on, one more time with feeling.
Try it again, breathing's just a rhythm.

THIS IS WHY COLLEGE IS OK.

2010-02-09T12:09:00.003-05:00

You get a lot of (sort of) free time. To do stuff like:

Try the NYT crossword(especially if you wear a mickey mouse watch):

Mix stripes and flowers (while being patriotic):

And listen to gems you forgot you loved (he's pretty cute too!):

THIS IS FRIDAY.

2010-02-05T16:10:00.016-05:00

Discovering a new breakfast nook with friends. Patterns and textures. And pancakes. And this song playing as we sipped coffee and watched the world get ready for a blizzard:

THIS IS NOT A TEST.

2010-02-03T11:57:00.002-05:00

I really like this little song. That's all, folks!

THIS IS SAPPY.

2010-02-02T11:47:00.003-05:00

A special friend is coming to visit today.

Here is an amazing love song to celebrate. Seriously, listen and be hooked for life. (Hint: expect a top ten love songs post in the days to come.) Happy Tuesday!

THIS IS KEEP IT CLEAN.

2010-01-30T17:14:00.003-05:00

Directions for a nice saturday afternoon:

1. Watch blue snow out the window.

2. Sip thermos of hot coffee.

3. Now, unpeel orange.

4. Listen.

5. Mix well, serves one. Sprinkle with new books, friend's swim meets, and sourpatch kids to taste. Garnish with cute belts and beaded earrings as desired.

THIS IS FRIDAY.

2010-01-29T15:47:00.003-05:00

A foray into food experimentation, since I am so done with dining hall food. My first new concoction: raspberries and crumbled oreos in plain yogurt.

In a similar vein, coffee infusions. I tried cinnamon and honey (incredible) and soft-serve coffee today. (add chocolate and vanilla ice cream to black coffee).

And, a new musical obsession, Ms. Elle King. Free streaming, ch-ch-check it out!

THIS IS THE ART CLUB.

2010-01-28T23:49:00.004-05:00

I spent a lovely afternoon writing in the art club that some dedicated and imaginative students set up at my school. The light was perfect, and there was something so soothing about smelling glue and paint and crayons. Take a gander:

THIS IS A TREASURE HUNT.

2010-01-26T21:13:00.003-05:00

I had never really listened to this Dylan song before. It's incredible. Some sample lyrics:

"Your gravity is down and negativity won't get you through...they got some hungry women there, and they really make a mess out of you.

So choice. So effecting. The whole song is just as awesome, lyrically. Enjoy this spectacular 1966 live version:

Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

And for an Eat The Document (Dylan's documentary film foray) trippy, sort of awful, fascinating take on it, with other clips. He says, "I can't believe that everybody makes it so difficult." Preach, Bob.

THIS IS FINGER-LICKING GOOD.

2010-01-24T13:14:00.004-05:00

My obsession with slightly cheesy and always awesome country music continues.

First, a classic, performed by the greats. Just try not to hum along, I dare you. A favorite shower song of mine, if that helps.

And, let's hear it for the ladies:

Then, let's hear it for them in an entirely different way:

And finally, Mr. Waylon Jennings, who made the cogent and dirty observation: "Garth Brooks done for country music what pantyhose did for finger-fucking." Wise words from the heart of country.

THIS IS FRIDAY.

2010-01-22T12:40:00.003-05:00

Friday is for eating candy and playing this game. Look at me thinkin'.

Ah. Sweets, procrastination, and words. Three favorite things.

THIS IS A TOP TEN LIST.

2010-01-21T20:00:00.007-05:00

The Top Ten Reasons New School Years Rock*

1. Well, there's the learnin'. And new pens and pencils. And cracking the binding of a new book.

2. A clean notebook with nothing written in it yet.

3. Playing hooky. (here's to having no interests. except to get my hands on that flipping sweet white jacket.)

4. The smell of library books.

6. First day of school outfit.

7. Making perfect eye contact with a kindred spirit when people say silly things in class.

8. The instant do-over for new year's resolutions.

9. When professors say funny things. (more on this later).

10. Stockholm Syndrome and the friends that make it all ok:

*even when it's not fall.

THIS IS THE CURE FOR THE MULLEYGRUBS*

2010-01-18T14:12:00.006-05:00

Last night I was feeling unproductive and needed a break from my work. I didn't want to get sucked into watching tv. So I promptly got up, did ten push-ups, and limbered up my vocal cords. Let me explain: Lately I have been obsessed with fantasizing about doing karaoke, though I have neither the chops nor the balls for such an activity, and being on the wagon, nor the alcohol. Then I remembered Garageband. Hijinks ensued in which I downloaded some 99 cent karaoke songs online and then recorded my attempts at singing them. It's especially hilarious since I have a cold, so I have that sexy rough throat thing going on. (And by sexy I mean funny). I primarily experimented with this harder-than-it-sounds classic:

Bonnie Raitt - Something To Talk About

One thing led to another, as performing for your mac tends to do, and, inspired by the indomitable Bonnie and her red lipstick, I busted my procrastination blues further by gussying myself up and opening photobooth.

Well kids, there you have it. Fun was had by all. Try it sometime. (note, I was wearing clothes despite the bare shoulders. sorry to offend anyone's delicate sensibilities.)

If low-tech or no-tech is more your style, I am always reminded of this rather fabulous poem when I am feeling down n' out or just bored:

The Cure

Ginger Andrews

Lying around all day

with some strange new deep blue

weekend funk, I'm not really asleep

when my sister calls

to say she's just hung up

from talking with Aunt Bertha

who is 89 and ill but managing

to take care of Uncle Frank

who is completely bed ridden.

Aunt Bert says

it's snowing there in Arkansas,

on Catfish Lane, and she hasn't been

able to walk out to the mailbox.

She's been suffering from a bad case of the mulleygrubs.

The cure for the mulleygrubs,

she tells my sister,

is to get up and bake a cake.

If that doesn't work, put on a red dress.

*apologies to those without picture or music recording macs or pcs.

THIS IS NEW BEGINNINGS.

2010-01-17T14:18:00.006-05:00

And now...back to your scheduled programming! I'll try not to ever leave you in the lurch like that again, loyal comrades in my quest for existential equilibrium, jokes, and snacks. What follows are some tokens of my affection, coming attractions, and my usual sterling wisdom:

New school supplies are as good as an hour at the shrink. (look at my crafty thermos!)

Nice new words are also useful:

Once you get over the fear, it's a cinch, she said. And then she leapt into a mountainous and unexplored region of her heart. -Monique Duval

And finally, an apology straight from the vault (cause everybody needs a little time away):

THIS IS IMPORTANT THOUGHTS.

2009-08-02T19:59:00.005-04:00

This song has been in my head all summer. Also, I have been missing my twin sitter (not as in baby, as in sister without the s) all summer too. They are on my mind. And therefore, on this blog. My favorite thing about my twin is that we always want to do the exact same thing when we hang out: belt music in the car, go get coffee and candy, and talk about boys and tv shows. I love her more than anyone else in the whole dang world. We're turning 22 in the fall and we'll be back at school together and it makes me so so happy.

This song is great. It makes me feel better singing it in the shower, getting out of bed in the morning, when you get stuck in the rain, and when you're waiting for a train or late for something. (funny points because time is not on your side then).

THIS IS TWEE, ER, TUESDAY.

2009-07-22T13:07:00.002-04:00

Ok, so it's Wednesday. But get prepared for some seriously cute alliteration...Wednesday brings you the Where the Wild Things Are trailer. This. looks. so. amazing. It's not even twee or precious, just honest-to-goodness heartwarming and dangerously adorable. You know it's gonna be good when the trailer gets you all choked up. And the music! Come on!

THIS IS FAVORITE WORDS.

2009-07-15T15:40:00.005-04:00

This is favorite words, from girls whose names start with A:

“I ordered a glass of champagne on the plane today, and the flight attendant asked, ‘Are you old enough to drink?’, I was like, ‘I’m old enough to worry about being infertile, so yes!" -Amy Adams

"One of my favorite phobias is that girls, especially those whose tastes aren't routine, often don't get a fair break... It has come down through the generations, an inheritance of age-old customs which produced the corollary that women are bred to timidity." -Amelia Earhart

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. -Anais Nin

THIS IS TWEE TUESDAY.

2009-07-14T20:05:00.001-04:00

I came across this video a few weeks ago, and I was actually gonna see them by coincidence in NYC but plans got changed. Anyway, completely adorable. Makes me glad to be a girl, and miss days when you wake up hungover with friends, throw on grungy cute clothes and assure each other of your adorableness, listen to music, and go on adventures. Mmmmm. I love being a kid. For me, subtract half the cuteness and all of the musical talent.

THIS IS THE CATCALL HALL OF FAME.

2009-07-14T19:42:00.004-04:00

Street courting rears it's ugly, unintentionally hilarious head once again, as we knew it would. You know the saying: if you don't laugh, you'll go on a homicidal killing spree. Wait, that's not it? Silly me, I must be so busy being pretty that I just forgot. Whoops!

For posterity:

Me: Digging through bag for cellphone at subway stop near home.

Dude: Conspiratorially and uncomfortably near as he comes up the stairs: Hey, beautiful stranger.

Pause for groans and the gnashing of teeth.

Dude: Can't even say hey back?

Me: Hey. With goofy fucking smile that involuntarily appears due to the absurdity of times like these.

Dude: Approaching with renewed energy. How are you? What's your name?

Me: Silence.

Dude: Too tired to talk?

Me: I'm exhausted. Searching desperately for phone.

Dude: Simultaneously saying: Come on, what's your name? Can I give you my number? Would you call?

Me: No.

Dude: I don't see no ring on your finger.

Me: I have a boyfriend (a completely necessary lie). Phone found, begin walking away.

Dude: Really? You've gotta be kidding me.

Me: Yeah. Shrug, walk faster away.

Him: Calling after me. What about a man friend?

This shit happens every. damn. day.

THIS IS HUGE, EPIC, EVEN, TITANIC?

2009-07-13T17:43:00.002-04:00

This is so f*cking funny and ridiculous I almost wish I had never heard it so I could hear it for the first time again. I love the Moth podcast, you should get into it. Then we'll be in the same boat. Heh. Heh.

Now who's up for some hot carriage boiler-room action?

THIS IS HOW.

2009-07-13T15:06:00.004-04:00

To look busy at work while checking your horoscope: it's classified, but it involves serious typing and straight posture.

Also: You're finding it harder and harder to deal with one person at work or near your residence, and today you may need to confront them directly. That's nobody's idea of fun, but you get it done.

Interesting. Maybe being "that intern" is getting to me?

Also: This is my special friend Patti Smith, singer of this sweet (as in righteous, killer) song. Originally by the Doors, of course.

One of the best lines, I think : the cars crawl past all stuffed with eyes.

THIS IS THE CATCALL HALL OF FAME.

2009-07-10T13:26:00.002-04:00

Cause sometimes sketchy dudes really bring out the big guns, sexual-harassment-wise. Sure to be a recurring post due to living in the capital of leering, jeering, and general gender-policing of the inspired variety.

I present our first winner:

Me: walking down the street

Old dude: tottering on street corner You're very pretty.

Me: looking up startled Thanks.

Old Dude: And polite.

Me: Walking away, thinking, thanks for your unsolicited opinion of my courtesy and prettiness, weird, old dude! thanks!

Old Dude: shouting after me, Actually, you fine as hell!

anddddd, scene.

THIS IS DOUBLE-TIMING.

2009-07-10T11:08:00.002-04:00

That's right I'm two-timing. Deal with it. Check out my post and listen to the awesome girls, already.

THIS IS TWEE TUESDAY.

2009-07-07T22:18:00.015-04:00

Hello children. Running around the city picking up and dropping off packages, mailing people about movie screenings, and getting into serious hijinks with visiting friends has left me sadly neglectful and a little burnt out. But posh on excuses, for they are a scourge on our society and shall not be tolerated. With no further nonsense, I present to you some unbearably sweet things.

This is an absolutely soul-suckingly cute proposal-true-love-for-ever-and-ever song from one of my favorite alt-country bands led by the equally appallingly cute Rhett Miller.

This isn't their best song but definitely the most shamelessly adorable. On the cuteness factor, it brings back great memories of seeing them in concert in Philly with my twin sister and two best friends.
This picture, in the wedding theme, is of the cute-cute-ness of my sister's wedding last year. Say it with me: dawwwwww. Courtesy Erin, who had a pretty dang cute anniversary herself lately.

And last but not least, an adorable and talented friend from BMC has started a hilarious and cute-approved blog about her cute and witty crushes and cute and witty co-workers in cute and (sweaty) Philly. Check it out.

THIS IS POP SECRET.

2009-06-18T20:46:00.004-04:00

A few funny, surprisingly smart words from the dirty, dirty underside of popular music.

"All that ever holds somebody back is fear, I think. For a minute, I had fear. So I went into the room and shot my fear in the face--then I came out and did the rest of the show." -Lady Gaga

"I'm a musician first, a food-lover second, a dirty mouth with feet, and a girl last time I checked."-Tori Amos

"We should all believe in something, and I believe it's time for another shot of tequila." — Justin Timberlake

And a long time personal favorite:

"This world is bullshit"-Fiona Apple

THIS IS TWEE TUESDAY.

2009-06-16T22:38:00.002-04:00

An appropriately cute and short post, from a vurry tired girl. And two b irds with one stone:

My new job, and who I've been cheating on you with!

THIS IS NEPOTISM.

2009-06-15T16:53:00.003-04:00

A little good old-fashioned family promotion. My brother-in-law Curt is working on this awesome project this summer:

Radical!

His lovely wife, my sister Caitlin, just launched her documentary website Film Sprout, which sister Erin did the illustrations for! I am working for both Cait and Curt this summer (also being their third wheel roomie.) And my twin sister is working on a farm this summer! Serendipity extends her minxy little paw and shakes it with wily nepotism once again!

THIS IS TWEE TUESDAY.

2009-06-09T16:34:00.008-04:00

Here's hoping I can start a new, absolutely adorbs (you see what I did there, with the cuteness?) tradition of posting only impossibly cute things one day a week; I am obviously a complete sucker for anything catchy or precious, but this way, not only do I get to take advantage of alliteration (I kill myself) I also get to retain, on other days, the cynical, irony-loving, bitter kid that just doesn't give a damn about the sweet, the harmonizing, or anything that inspires hugging. Speaking of which, have you read this shit? Is this town going to outlaw flower-picking and puppy-cuddling next?

A little sample: This song is so cute I'm getting a toothache. The video even makes blood and ghosts and decapitation seem charming.

That's Zooey Deschanel, the reigning princess of being adorable, and her special friend M.Ward, collaborating for the band She and Him. So cute you kind of want to die, right?

And this:

Dawwww. Back to things not approaching duckies and swingsets and cotton candy cute tomorrow.

THIS IS MYSTERIOUS ADDICTION.

2009-06-06T17:38:00.002-04:00

As a feminist and lover of good music, this song should offend and appall me on so many levels. But it's just so damn catchy and the video is so cheeky. "You tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef/That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him." My name is Devan, and this is my summer anthem. If it's wrong, why does it feel so right?

THIS IS DONUT DAY.

2009-06-05T13:07:00.005-04:00

Shout it from the rooftops!

Not only are donuts mad delicious, Dunkin Donuts also has my favorite ad slogan of all time. "You 'kin do it." Damn, I love that.

Scope this to get a fresh batch of tasty donut trivia, and find out where you can score a FREE donut on this most holy of food-related, arbitrarily-decided, for-advertsing-only, but nevertheless freaking awesome holidays.

THIS IS HOT CHILD IN THE CITY: A TOP TEN LIST.

2009-06-01T22:12:00.006-04:00

The Top Ten Best Things About my First Week in NYC:

1. Men in suits. Everywhere.

2. Not ever worrying about smiling enough at strangers.

3. Watching no one react to a group of children barking, literally barking, in unison, at intervals of ten seconds.

4. 85 cent coffee. So many choices of coffee. Coffeeee.

5. Feeling the first angry thrill of the natives as a tourist clings to an entire subway pole on an insanely crowded rush hour train with her whole body.

6. Cowboy boots and sundresses to work. Along with an appropriate sweater, mom.

7. Pouting and wearing huge sunglasses so people think I'm famous.

8. Figuring out which side of the tracks takes me uptown or downtown. And what those two things are. And humming the Indiana Jones theme song to myself as I emerge triumphant from beneath the streets.

9. Witnessing the intricate mating rituals of the Brooklyn hipster.

10. Let's Get It On and Stop in the Name of Love playing back to back in the coffee shop where I sit and daydream before work.

More regular posts to come as soon as I settle into my summer euphoria. Speaking of which:

THIS IS AFTERNOON DELIGHT.

2009-05-25T15:52:00.002-04:00

Happy memorial day. Thank you, veterans, for preserving our liberty to make ridiculous comedies based on harmonizing classically filthy seventies pop. Thank you.

Anchorman - Afternoon Delight from Ron Burgundy

THIS IS A VIRTUOUS CIRCLE.

2009-05-22T12:29:00.002-04:00

Happy summer kids. To begin our warm weather journey, a pop culture comparison. First, Katy Perry's obnoxious and weird, but nefariously catchty, Hot n' Cold. Embedding disabled by request, curse of my existence.

And here, the ukrainian polka band reincarnation of said confection. You're welcome.

THIS IS BIBILICAL KNOWLEDGE.

2009-05-12T09:34:00.004-04:00

Not that way, you dirty little thing. I don't normally get a notion to quote scripture, but this seems very nice and helpful, and not at all about stoning or boning or salt-pillaring, as these things so often tend:

"No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing He will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

Can I get an amen?

Expect more cheerful posts soon, about why the barenaked ladies are freaking sweet, how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb, and the secret to the appeal of several varieties of toaster-based breakfast foods.

THIS IS YOUR BOOSTER SHOT.

2009-05-11T13:54:00.012-04:00

I always thought that booster shots sounded great. Sadly they are not little positive shots of energy, but chemicals. So, in the interest of boosting spirits actually and not medicinally, the men in my life this week: Andrew Bernard and Stephen Lynch:

"I may hug people too hard, and get lost in malls. But I am not an idiot."

"I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance-off."

"I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win."

"You know, it's true what they say--Long Island Iced Teas are way stronger in Canada."

EDIT: The first quote is Tracy Jordan. He is my main man, not just this week, but all weeks. Especially shark week. Which I live every week.

THIS IS DESPAIR BUSTERS.

2009-05-09T10:02:00.008-04:00

Neither good nor fast times at ridgemont high, kids. Not at all good times. What's a girl to do? Unironic feminist lyrics, laundry, and some applicable comics to the rescue!

"I called my sister and said I feel adrift, with no man. She said, oh honey, learn to love the sea." - The Nields

"You don't know a person like me, I could sell your songs to Nike." - my homegirl Dar Williams

"So I walk like I'm on a mission cause that's the way I groove. I got more and more to do, I got less and less to prove. It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures cause I have the kind of beauty that moves." -Ani Difranco

"If we're a drop in the bucket, with just enough science to keep from saying fuck it. Plenty revolutions left until we get this thing right." -Indigo Girls

And, this flipping awesome song.

THIS IS AMIE.

2009-05-04T01:55:00.004-04:00

Spring fever song. Good for what ails you.

And isn't this a perfect picture for the song, somehow? I highly recommend I'm Not There, incidentally.

THIS IS NEW MATH.

2009-05-01T13:16:00.007-04:00

I stumbled upon this crazyawesome website by dude Craig Damrauer. Ch-ch-check it out.

He makes equations that are:

funny.

very funny.

painfully funny.

truthful.

sweet. pointed.

what you need to hear.

And, in my own new math, the oldie I can't out of my head is:

don't pull your love= (elevator music + hook)/(slightly dirty * sweet):

THIS IS A TOP TEN LIST: GIRLS GONE GUILD.

2009-04-30T00:56:00.014-04:00

Guild is the 24/7 computer lab. Hence the hilarious joke.

Top Ten Reasons All-Nighters Are "Awesome":

(get it? all night long? get it?)

1. The strangely pleasing dichotomy of knowing that by staying up all night you are both confirming your status as a vitally healthy young person and contributing to the ultimate tragic dissolution of that status.

2. The ability to use words like dichotomy, dissolution, meta-theatrical, neo-deconstructuralist fantasist, and ideological commodity with an utter lack of irony.

3. The belief that coffee+donut*repetition=concentration and inspiration.

4. The period around 4 a.m when you roll around laughing on the fluorescently lit, carpeted floor with your friends.

5. The impression that your decision to include Bob Dylan quotes and "witty" section headings in your term paper will be considered zany, whimsical, and brilliant by your professor.

6. The decision around 6 a.m to go for a run as soon as you're done here because LIFE is SO freaking GREAT and you FEEL so ALIVE right NOW.

7. The songs that become your obsessive anthems, only to be cruelly relegated back to the dregs of your itunes library once you've had this wild one night ride with them.

Take It To The Limit, The Eagles

Backwoods Barbie, Dolly Parton

8. The reassuring thought that at least you aren't starving, in the army, or a teabagger. And, fingers crossed, no swine flu. Yet.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

M - Th 11p / 10c

Nationwide Tax Protests

thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Economic Crisis

First 100 Days

9. The cleaning crew coming in around 5 and looking at you with all the patronizing concern of a neighbor that comes to visit in the mental ward following your gentle suburban descent into the bell jar.

10. Emerging into the sunlight either: a weak shell of your former self, giggling and muttering under your breath "wikipedia is to works cited as the bailout is to global economics. Take that Geithner." b. strumming with life, ready to go for that run and greet the day with arms wide open to take in all of god's glorious creation. A quick and devastating crash follows b, while a pleasant buzz follows a, only to be crushed by the onset of noon.

THIS IS FUNNY.

2009-04-27T21:41:00.006-04:00

Well, it is.

Also, I promise I don't work for NBC.

THIS IS CHEERFUL.

2009-04-27T20:47:00.001-04:00

Well, it is.

THIS IS A "FITNESS" CHALLENGE.

2009-04-23T19:26:00.006-04:00

So, I have been going to the gym. Now, don't get your panties in a twist. I am a die-hard, never-been-varsity, fuck-up of an athlete. But sometimes a girl needs an endorphin high, and running from my room to the dining hall to get to the food faster just wasn't cutting it.

Here is what I now remember about gyms. THEY ARE BORING AS HELL. I like running outside, but here on the Main Line that's practically a death wish.

Our gym is basically what I have always been as an athlete-it has a lot of heart, some grit, it just barely gets the job done. But it has no flash, no genius, no self-awareness.

It has all the technological advances and charming decor of your basic prison camp. It is roughly the size and shape of your average cereal box, and not the good kind. The generic brand your mom tries to convince you is just as good, but you know, YOU KNOW, that it will never be as good.
Due to the absence of any sort of diversion in the form of multimedia (read: no TVs, magazines from 1994) I must grimly gaze ahead at the austere, mile high letters of BRYN MAWR ATHLETICS. I know, I know, now you know where I "go" to "school." So, a warning, in the immortal words of Ms. Jeannie Butler. "Excuse me. If whoever's in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I have just called the police. If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get your ass out of my house real quick. I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun, and a scorching case of herpes."

So, this is what I do, and this is the challenge I present to you, all 5 of my loyal readers: I MAKE WORDS OUT OF THESE WORDS. I have about twenty, twenty-five so far. How many can you make?

Here is the best song to work out to, EVER.

And here is a little pop confection I CANNOT GET OUT MY HEAD.

A POX ON YOU JASON MRAZ, IF THAT'S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME.

THIS IS WHY.

2009-04-22T15:44:00.005-04:00

My irrational excitement and happiness at this trailer is why I will permanently remain thirteen years old, and incapable of the levels of cynicism and snobbery to which I aspire:

Damn you JK Rowling, damn you!

I may not like your excessive use of adverbs and ridiculous syntax, but goddamn do I respect you.

THIS IS SOME TRUTH.

2009-04-20T11:00:00.003-04:00

The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.

- T. H. White, The Sword in the Stone

THIS IS LIVING THE DREAM.

2009-04-19T00:14:00.013-04:00

Some words and pictures to illustrate that:

a. Dreams are semi-attainable. b. Spring and the civil war are pleasurably nostalgic triggers. c. College is for friends and road trips, not grammar. d. Ambivalence.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.-Catch-22

Reporter: Who would play you in a movie?
Andy Warhol: Well, I guess Edie would. She's like me, but better than me at everything I do.

Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college. -Kurt Vonnegut

Had I so interfered in behalf of the rich, the powerful, the intelligent, the so-called great, or in behalf of any of their friends, either father, mother, brother, sister, wife, or children, or any of that class, and suffered and sacrificed what I have in this interference, it would have been all right; and every man in this court would have deemed it an act worthy of reward rather than punishment. -John Brown

THIS IS AFTER HOURS.

2009-04-16T19:49:00.003-04:00

Sometimes life is disappointing. And you don't get the job you interviewed for. In light of that disappointment, and resolving not to surrender to whimpering and moaning under the covers, my new life dream is to become Edie Sedgewick, but with less heroin and co-dependency. My job plan involves losing twenty pounds, cutting my hair, and investing in false eyelashes and black eyeliner. Other options include becoming The Velvet Underground, just all of them. I think these are both reasonable and great plans.

THIS IS NICE WORDS, NOSTALGIA.

2009-04-16T11:35:00.003-04:00

Hello campers. Today is a sunny day. I am going to get coffee and chocolate and toast for breakfast, and go to class and work. I am happy to be alive. Here are the first three paragraphs of the book I am reading for African lit. The Famished Road, by Ben Okri. It's awesome.

In the beginning there was a river. The river became a road and the road branched out to the whole world. And because the road was once a river it was always hungry.

In that land of beginnings spirits mingled with the unborn. We could assume numerous forms. Many of us were birds. We knew no boundaries. There was much feasting, playing, and sorrowing. We feasted much because of the beautiful terrors of eternity. We played much because we were free. And we sorrowed much because there were always those amongst us who had just returned from the world of the Living. They returned inconsolable for all the love they had left behind, all the suffering they hadn't redeemed, all that they hadn't understood, and for all that they had barely begun to learn before they were drawn back to the land of origins.

There was not one amongst us who looked forward to being born. We disliked the rigors of existence, the unfulfilled longings, the enshrined injustices of the world, the labyrinths of love, the ignorance of parents, the fact of dying, and the amazing indifference of the LIving in the midst of the simple beauties of the universe. We feared the heartlessness of human beings, all of whom are born blind, few of whom ever learn to see.

Now, for some lighter, fare, try this. I am super nostalgic for the seventies lately. It has something to do with my epic plans for after graduation, but more on that later.

God, I sweat those glasses.

THIS IS AWESOME?

2009-04-12T21:58:00.015-04:00

I don't know whether this makes me feel warm and fuzzy or creeped out and cranky. Your thoughts, please.

Also, please refer yourself to my posts about the sound of music's undying charm and appeal and the venerable sexiness of mr. christopher plummer.

THIS IS MY RELIGION.

2009-04-11T13:42:00.006-04:00

On this holiest of weekends, I thought I would share what I believe to be my ultimate reward should I ever reach heaven. Tom Petty, George Harrison,Eric Clapton, Neil Young, Roger McQuin, and Bob Dylan, all together. Thank you Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha. Thank you universe.

Forever and ever amen.

THIS IS YOUR PEP TALK.

2009-04-08T19:57:00.005-04:00

Ok, so this is more about me than about you. I have an interview on Friday and need to pump myself up. So, here they are, my most admittedly lengthy and sentimental, but most stirring and non-generic (if you can dream it you can do it), non-inane (shoot for the moon, you'll land among the stars), and non-sappy (live, love, laugh) quotes of all time.

I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, ok.-Madonna

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.-Theodore Roosevelt

One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.- Maya Angelou

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.-George Bernard Shaw

For when you are feeling really down:

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
-Lord Alfred Tennyson

And perhaps the best and most simple:

Never, ever, ever give up-Michael Scott

THIS IS WHY.

2009-04-06T18:32:00.003-04:00

This is why, I hate bowling.

We could go bowling, or we could just hang ourselves.

And, germophobe's nightmare.

THIS IS A POP CULTURE WARNING.

2009-04-04T20:46:00.008-04:00

Don't see Adventureland, unless you want to become dangerously obsessed with:

a. Kristen Stewart. Yeah, blah, blah, blah, vampire chick-lit sucks (hah!) I don't care. After this movie, my feelings for her have gone from passing crush in Into the Wild to desperate love.

b. Pale Blue Eyes. The ultimate depressive love song.

In other words, you should see Adventureland. .

THIS IS GEORGE ORWELL'S NIGHTMARE.

2009-04-02T23:16:00.008-04:00

I joined twitter. I feel weird.

I used to hate the internet. I used to hate AIM. I used to hate facebook. I used to hate gmail. I used to hate blogs. I used to hate twitter for christ's sake.

Now, it seems it's only a matter of time until I am saying things like epic fail, and for the win (ftw, for crying out loud), and devolving into goddamn cat talk.

Oh, god. I love big brother.

THIS IS A POEM.

2009-04-02T22:54:00.004-04:00

Since I promised it a long time ago, and it has been appropriately rainy and misty, here is a poem for you. By Seamus Heaney, Irish poet guy. (More thoughts on Ireland.) I'm not really into nature poetry. But I like this one.

The Peninsula

When you have nothing more to say, just drive
For a day all round the peninsula.
The sky is tall as over a runway,
The land without marks, so you will not arrive

But pass through, though always skirting landfall.
At dusk, horizons drink down sea and hill,
The ploughed field swallows the whitewashed gable
And you're in the dark again. Now recall

The glazed foreshore and silhouetted log,
The rock where breakers shredded into rags,
The leggy birds stilted on their own legs,
Islands riding themselves out into the fog,

And drive back home, still with nothing to say
Except that now you will uncode all landscapes
By this: things founded clean on their own shapes,
Water and ground in their extremity.

THIS IS FURTHER STRATEGERY.

2009-04-02T22:52:00.010-04:00

Step into my web.

Walking barefoot in the mud during a thunderstorm when the sky is yellow and glowy.

Going to the movies. I Love You, Man. Painfully awkward and hilarious, and the least misogynistic of recent guy-love Apatowish fare. (That is to say, the female characters are allowed to be somewhat funny and not stuck up. Some of the time.) I just love going to the movies. I love previews. And whispering. I love the disenchanted teenagers that sell me popcorn. I love the brazen capitalism of it all. Hell yeah, America!

Grilled cheese with tomato.

Cleaning your room. Seriously. I just did this and my blues were instantly busted. Just don't become a junkie. It's a slippery slope, friends. You don't want to wind up clutching the lysol and muttering to yourself.

I am not hugely into fashion, but this editorial in French Vogue is so wacked out I couldn't stop staring. It's so cute and weird and stuff.

(courtesy of jezebel)

THIS IS TOMFOOLERY.

2009-04-01T14:21:00.008-04:00

Dude. I was completely taken in by gmail's april fool today, for about three seconds. I am generally way too sensitive for practical jokes, and scared of hurting people's feelings. But, I do love these:

and:

THIS IS A TOP TEN LIST, YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.

2009-03-28T16:48:00.020-04:00

Top Ten Reasons Christopher Plummer as Captain Von Trapp is The Ideal Man:

1. Dude has seven kids.

2. He is an Austrian who resists the Nazis IN SONG. See 5.

3. Devastatingly handsome.

4. "Yes. Well, you can't marry someone when you're in love with someone else... can you?"

5. "My fellow Austrians, I shall not be seeing you again perhaps for a very long time. I would like to sing for you now... a love song. I know you share this love. I pray that you will never let it die." Gets. Me. Every. Time.

6. "You'll never be one of them!"

7.8. Phenomenal dancer.

9. Max: What's going to happen's going to happen. Just make sure it doesn't happen to you. Captain von Trapp: Max. Don't you ever say that again. Max: You know I have no political convictions. Can I help it if other people do? Captain von Trapp: Oh yes, you can help it. You must help it.

10.

THIS IS ANOTHER DYLAN POST.

2009-03-28T15:21:00.003-04:00

New Album. April.

THIS IS A TOP TEN LIST. SOUND OF MUSIC EDITION.

2009-03-27T15:55:00.010-04:00

My sisters and I used to watch this on a daily, nay, three-hourly basis, courtesy of taping it from television onto a VHS, and in later years, providing almost as much pleasure from the eighties commercials. One favorite:

But, without further ado, The Top Ten Reasons The Sound of Music is Flipping Awesome:

1. Christopher Plummer as Captain Von Trapp.

2. Life-long, unabating dress envy.

Hmm. On second thought the Sound of Music can probably be blamed for anything fucked up about my relationships with teenage boys.

3. The kids crying after Maria sits on the pinecone. Still hilarious. "Fraulein, is it to be at every meal, or merely at dinnertime, that you intend on leading us all through this rare and wonderful new world of... indigestion?"

4. My introduction to the wonders of sexual tension.

5. Having enough siblings to be able to march around like a real boarding school was my childhood dream. Also being incorrigible.

6. Old-school independent woman meets classic romance.

7."Oh, no, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I could never answer to a whistle. Whistles are for dogs and cats and other animals, but not for children and definitely not for me. It would be too... humiliating."

8. Fast-forwarding through "Climb Every Mountain."

9. The nuns stealing the transmission from the nazi's car.

10."Somewhere out there is a lady who I think will never be a nun!"

THIS IS YOUR SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING.

2009-03-26T20:06:00.003-04:00

In honor of Erin, who I think should fulfill this fantasy before leaving her job. (Hers will probably involve more destruction of stupid flyers and shit) Also, I know I have been posting mad videos lately, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want!

Also, this contains profanity.

When grim reaper steps up what the hell you gonna do? Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

THIS IS SLEEPYTIME IN THE WESTERN WORLD.

2009-03-25T01:26:00.004-04:00

I happen upon lyrics that are so eerily similar to my life sometimes:

Sleepin' through the afternoon
I just can't seem to leave my room
Waiting for the moon and a love so true
It's gonna see me through,
You know it's gonna see me through.

Courtesy of Blitzen Trapper.

Coming up on All These Things Twice this week: how to survive the gym with no ipod, reasons to quit your job, irish poetry, and ten reasons to love the sound of music. (Read, ten reasons that Captain Von Trapp is the most attractive nazi-fighting man of all time.)

THIS IS YOUR SWEET TOOTH CALLING.

2009-03-24T17:34:00.003-04:00

Unfortunately my need for sugar is out of control in any financial situation.

On a related note, glorious hair, sugar, and girls destroying things.

THIS IS AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

2009-03-20T15:13:00.003-04:00

If loving sweaty, shirtless, homoerotic, drug-addled swedish boys who play upbeat versions of heart-breaking Dylan songs is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

THIS IS THREE THOUGHTS.

2009-03-20T14:49:00.008-04:00

Three thoughts.

One. If you ever find yourself saying, "Maybe I'm just self-deluded, but..." I beg you, do not finish that sentence.

Two. Paradox, and closely related to one. Guys who already have girlfriends are super-comfortable and friendly around other girls.

Three. Watch Mad Men. Or don't because you will be sucked into an internet vortex that will incapacitate you beyond your ability to comprehend. It hurts so good, though.

And lastly, not a thought, but another gem from the sentimental archives. Cheesy eighties pop songs in the hands of country folkers, nothing like it. "The smile on your face lets me know that you need me" hook has been reverberating mercilessly in my head for days. Feel my pain, suckers.

p.s. This video is so amazingly bad I want to cry. Also, "Oh, mr. webster could never define, what's being said between your heart and mine." Best pick-up line of all time?

THIS IS SETTLING.

2009-03-18T14:05:00.004-04:00

My obsession with Dylan has never extended to Jakob. But this is well, alright, just ok. But he's very cute, in a daddy issues sort of way. Homeboy looks like he needs some sleep. He can crash at my place!

I stole this from Beth. She's awesome!

But, compare it to this. Father really does know best.

THIS IS, ERM, IRELAND.

2009-03-17T12:49:00.013-04:00

I was in Ireland last semester. I miss everything. Like Irish people saying erm between every word. Here are some pictures and some tall tales.

Point of information, learned all about St. Patrick in my Early Christian Ireland class, so I won't share with you all the ways in which he is not what you thought. But, he did write, "Sufficient is the honor which is not yet seen, but in which the heart has confidence." Which is nice.

(drinkin' bulmers, bein' cute)

This picture reminds me of The Wicked Wolf, a pub near my dorm where many a Thursday was spent drinking pints and singing karaoke. This song will always remind me of Ireland for that reason. People chose to sing it constantly, with varying success.

(sun, cows, stones)

(mad cliffs)

What do these boys, this song, and I have in common? Let's just say that the answer involves australians, guinness factory tour guides, this song being belted by drunk australian guinness factory tour guides, a stolen parrot, a missing sweatshirt, a dublin ghetto, and the legendary text, "you probably shouldn't have given us the benefit of the doubt." Also this song is played at the end of the night in practically every club in Dublin.

THIS IS STRATEGERY.

2009-03-16T20:14:00.002-04:00

If you have the broke and single blues, I suggest lots of reading and listening to music while eating candy half-naked. Also, this is why you should watch this show.

I am halfway through the best novel I have read in so long. It's called Half of a Yellow Sun. It's about Nigeria in the 1960's and it is stunning. A line that sticks in my head, about forgiveness: "What will you do with the misery you have chosen? Will you eat misery?"

I am also listening to the song "Gray or Blue" by Jaymay. It is a little treacly, but I like it. Also, the only full version I could find is entirely based on the (presumably) execrable romantic comedy Serendipity. I feel that there's a lesson here, something about the good and bad being more closely related than we have been led to believe.

I also read Capote's Other Voices, Other Rooms, this weekend. His prose is so perfect, it's unreal.

And, a little country-fried love from Lucinda Williams to keep those blues away.

Running, squandering full days watching tv, and guilt-free making out with strangers at parties are also good options. And cheap!

THIS IS FAVORITE WORDS.

2009-03-12T12:28:00.005-04:00

Favorite Words by Girls Named J__. Again, Thursday edition.

Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.-Janis Joplin

You can't decide how you're going to die. Or when. What you can do is decide how you're going to live, now. -Joan Baez

I want to be strong, I want to laugh along/I want to belong to the living./Alive, alive, I wanna get up and jive/Wanna wreck my stockings in some jukebox dive.-Joni Mitchell

And, just because I love her:

"I guess I'm the world's first hippie pin-up girl."- Janis Joplin. Same here, my friend, same here.

THIS IS A TOP TEN LIST.

2009-03-08T18:26:00.014-04:00

Top Ten Things I Think About (at) Pilates

1. Sandwiches.

2. My hatred of the song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." If there were ever a song I would go on a shooting spree for, this would be it.

3. "What does she mean, lift my bellybutton toward my spine? I'm lying on the ground! There's nowhere to put my bellybutton. Everyone else is doing it! Oh god, I can't even play a sport that revolves around leg lifts and stretching."

4. If you start laughing inwardly at your inability to "stack" your spine in pilates, can anyone hear you? The answer is yes.

5. Adult human beings should not attempt anything resembling a cartwheel.

6. Ditto anything called a "swan."

7. How much I hate songs from Wicked, and why, in the name of all that is holy, they would be part of an exercise routine. I drank the haterade for Wicked and I liked it, and I will not be swayed.

8. I want nothing to do with a pelvic floor.

9. Sandwiches. Sandwiches. Pizza. Sandwiches.

10. Belly-button has a mind of its own, apparently hates spine.

THIS IS A QUICKIE.

2009-03-05T18:17:00.003-05:00

Favorite Words by Guys Named John, Thursday Edition

I find cheap populism oddly arousing.-John Stewart

All I can ask from society is that it please stop telling me why I should like sports. People always try to explain that sports are about a sort of mythic combat, or about the narratives and the stories. You know what? I've got narratives and stories and I don't need sports. -Jon Hodgman

America is a vast conspiracy to make you happy.-John Updike

For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.

Who are your favorite johns?

THIS IS EVOLUTION.

2009-03-05T00:18:00.015-05:00

You may or may not find this interesting. But think of it as an alternative to making new year's resolutions or giving up stuff for lent. Instead you can congratulate yourself on your generous and evolving good taste.

Here are a few things that I used to hate and now love. Or kinda like, maybe, a little more than i used to.

1. Snickers. Plus coffee. I guess product placement too. 2. Classic rock. Well. The stones and the doors. 3. Boots. 4. Onions. 5. Dylan covers. But only really awesome ones. 6. Running. 7. Sandwiches. Not so much since I became a vegetarian. Bacon, you're always in my heart. 8. Bruce Springsteen. Love doesn't begin to describe it.

Most of these are about food and music. Make of this what you will. Also, a few things I used to love, and now hate:

1. Photobooth on macs. 2. Grey's anatomy. 3. Contacts. 4. Skittles.

And, a few things I hope to love forever:

1. Soft gray t-shirts. 2. Converse. I know they're ubiquitous and cheesy, but my love is pure.

3. Hopelessly bad country songs, and monumentally awesome country songs.

And finally: A glorious combination of categories one and three:

THIS IS A TUESDAY NIGHT.

2009-03-04T23:48:00.004-05:00

Sometimes life is just a cliche. A delicious, delicious cliche. Anyone who wants to use the following as a screenplay, be my guest. I'm sure there is a market for the zany adventures of three college girls in search of an all-night diner in the wilds of lower merion county, pa.

So, we found The Quintisessential American Diner, its blue neon sign rising out of the Pennsylvania darkness. You're either the kind of person who likes diners or you’re not, and this one was perfect. Perfect, in that we were hungry and sleepy and needed a place to give us eggs and toast and lentil soup and french fries and grilled cheese with tomato and terrible hot chocolate in thick white mugs with whipped cream.

My friend Cea and I were abroad last semester, and kids, there ain't no diners in those parts. This one was a beaut—formica tables, tough waitress, after dinner mints and toothpicks at the counter.

Carry On My Wayward Son played, really. And then "Give A Little Bit."

(awesome original version, handsome singer, adorable sax player )

My friend Leah said, “You’re not thinking rationally. You just ate.” to general hilarity. Then we watched Office Space. And we could see the squirrels and they were merry.

THIS IS RELATIVITY. KINDA.

2009-02-28T18:55:00.005-05:00

The Lord Giveth:

(awesome free box sneakers)

And the Lord Taketh Away:

(awesome crushed sunglasses)

Moral:

Never pay more than ten dollars for sunglasses, and you'll never have to pay for sneakers. But the glasses will be crushed at the bottom of your bag. Sucker.

THIS IS COMEDY. KINDA.

2009-02-27T13:22:00.002-05:00

This is funny cause it's true.

www.toothpastefordinner.com

THIS IS POPPER MUSIC.

2009-02-25T17:03:00.005-05:00

If you're in the mood for something a little more current and less silly, check out this folkster's wet dream. Courtesy of my big sister, a girl of taste and class whose cultural impulses I must hopelessly ape until the day I die.

Tonight I will lurk outside my local hipster natural habitat, waiting to make a hopefully flannel-wearing wolf my boyfriend. He will dance with me in the woods and then take me to live on a farm where we will live forever in moral and sexual bliss.

Speaking of which, here is a joke:
Q: Why is it so hard to meet boys in coffee shops?
A: They are not bars.

THIS IS POP MUSIC.

2009-02-25T16:50:00.003-05:00

Lyrically inane. Made for TV bands. Cultural bankruptcy has always been where it's at, kids. I dare you not to like this.

Great pop songs should make you feel happy and choked up at the same time, like your first crush just punched you in the stomach and you're trying not to cry but you don't care because they're so darn cute.

THIS IS ANOTHER TOP TEN LIST.

2009-02-24T00:08:00.007-05:00

Top Ten Reasons Cutting Your Own Hair Is a Great Life Choice.

1. Free.
2. No small talk with the hairdresser.
3. All the fun of a nervous breakdown, none of the hospitalization.
4. "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones." -Dwight Schrute.
5. Free.
6. You can move one step closer to becoming Deb from Empire Records, a worthy life goal. Just aim for fewer suicidal tendencies.
7. People will be impressed by your mastery of a professional skill and want to sleep with you.
8. In the impending socialist revolution, you have a greater chance of being spared by the proletariat.
9. It is free.
10. It makes all your other problems seem insignificant.

THIS IS ANOTHER CHALLENGE.

2009-02-22T17:36:00.004-05:00

Here is another challenge. For my intro to African literatures class, our professor suggested we learn where all the countries in Africa are located. Try it.

For an extra challenge, uncheck the "by region" function. This game is actually strangely addicting. And after, you get to bask in a warm cloud of superiority. Have fun geo-champs!

THIS IS A PRIZE.

2009-02-20T13:06:00.014-05:00

My sister Laura has been on a campaign to rouse me from existential despair by designing fun missions for me, sent via text message. Here is the first. I walked around campus and gathered flowery things. I had my coffee and my music. The sun was absolutely perfect and it was very cold.

Now, I don't want to go all maudlin on your ass, but when I was walking around, I realized that I hadn't just gone out in the world and really noticed my surroundings in a long time. I was happy in the sun and wind and shadows, among the growing and dead and beautiful things. The transcendentalists were on to something. Nature with a capital N, telling you, this is your invitation. This is what's being offered, in your one and only life.

"This is so going on my blog!" I thought. And I was reminded of the dealio of life. Watch the first 38 seconds.

Ok, I also stepped in some goose crap, and saw some plastic bags and construction, and got a few evil glares for struggling to pull huge branches off of trees, and spilled coffee all over my mittens. So that's life too.

THIS IS A WINNER.

2009-02-19T16:57:00.006-05:00

special post in honor of laura coming soon.

Now the bricks lay on Grand Street

Where the neon madmen climb

They all fall there so perfectly,

It all seems so well timed.

And here I sit so patiently

Waiting to find out what price

You have to pay to get out of

Going through all these things twice

-Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again, Bob Dylan

THIS IS A CHALLENGE.

2009-02-19T11:08:00.005-05:00

Challenge: To what does the title of this blog allude? The first person to get it right, WITHOUT USING A SEARCH ENGINE, gets a post in their honor.

THIS IS A FIRE SALE.

2009-02-18T23:44:00.002-05:00

Well, let's give it a shot.

THIS IS A TOP TEN LIST.

2009-02-18T13:51:00.000-05:00

Top Ten Reasons This Blog May Interest You.

If you:

1. Have spent any amount of time, in the past or present, producing skits or musical numbers with your siblings to be presented at family gatherings.

2. Have lost sleep pondering such questions as, why does Springsteen insist he is saying lit up like a deuce when he is clearly saying douche?

3. Don't understand daylight's saving time, combustion engines, or the federal tax system.

4. Have experienced existential despair.

5. Agree that ez-pass and iced coffee are the greatest inventions of the 21st century.

6. Hold an intense, embittered hatred for organized sports.

7. Have a finely developed sense of irony and a disdain for hokey sayings.

8. Find the fact that the gynecologist at my all-women's college is named Sally Heiman to be the pinnacle of what real life can offer as comedy.

9. Are nostalgic for a decade you didn’t live through.

10. Are my close friend or relative or otherwise obligated to tolerate me.

THIS IS A POST.

2009-02-18T13:03:00.000-05:00

This is a blog. Can we call it something else? I am trying to be mature these days, and blog sounds like a newfangled game of tag, or the name of a pirate drink. (those are actually blob, and glog, respectively.)

Since this will be read by at most three people (Mom, I'm talking to you) I think it's only fair to tell you that the jokes will be stolen, the insights flippant, the stories fabricated, and the grammar shaky.

Riddles, puns, trivia, and daily challenges will play a large role. It will rely heavily on physical comedy and Dylan lyrics. Many posts will consist of me making fun of the kids in my creative writing class. So I hope you like jokes about trilingual genre fiction. I know I do!

In the interest of full disclosure, let it be known that in the past I have mocked blogs as masturbatory exercises for people too boring or lazy to be out living their lives. Well, masturbatory and lazy this blog may be, but by god it won't be boring. Welcome.